Dear God,
Thank you. CPE was worth it. Thank you for allowing me to challenge the most hidden facets of my being. In service to your will for my life, I was able to find angels in my feelings and a dear, compassionate friend within myself. For the past few years, I have been guided by the truth that if I pursue the knowledge and wisdom of you, God, I would be led in the right direction. My steps would be ordered and my spirit would be at peace. You have done it again! Though the path ahead is undecipherable I am planted in the confidence that this was the right decision, the right step to make, a step that directs me on a good path.
In this moment, I reflect on the places where I’ve seen you this summer. I saw you, Lord in ST [a patient]. When he put on his shoe and walked. God, I saw you in the chaotic bonds of family and towering pizza boxes from friends. I saw you in final breaths, I saw you in pain and suffering unexplainable, I saw you in the guiding hands of the staff chaplains, in my peers, and WS [my supervisor]. God, I’ve encountered you on a mountain transfigured in the form of a Mother, Sister, and Daughter at the beside of memory. I am honored by the glimpse of your power in this place.
God, my heart feels heavy in my chest. I know that there is so much I have left to learn, but my prayer is that I hold this experience at the forefront of my memory. Going forward, I pray that I may learn the truths of violence, that I may grow in my caregiving, and that I may continue to reside among the oppressed and be a source of solace and joy among them as brethren. I have an image in my head, God, of a Dayo that is dedicated to service, who can be in advocate and leader in spaces for violence prevention and human rights, who can care for those within and outside of our shores, and who, Ojala, can be surrounded by family in my last breaths kissing my cheek.
I do not understand how so much sorrow can occur, and frankly I don’t want to. But God, I pray for the people I’ve encountered at this hospital and that they find rest, peace, and understanding. Going forward, I pray that I can be held as I was held this summer by people who are so different than me. I pray I can build more bridges between the law and religion and now care. I hope next, I can find a CPE experience that allows me to support myself financially while serving others and my legal aspirations. I pray that I can have a supervisor who challenges me and speaks the truth in how I experienced this summer. I pray that I can maintain my desire to be a guide, to be a valuer, to tell truth, to find hope, to find belonging, and to find meaning with everyone I meet.
Lord, I yearn to continue CPE, and I pray that this desire makes more “sense” in my “plans,” knowing that CPE, or seminary at that, was never truly in the plan to begin with.
For now, I feel comforted by the wisdom of Paul Laurence Dunbar:
Because I have loved so deeply
Because I have loved so long
God in His great compassion
Gave me the gift of song.
Because I have loved so vainly
And sung with such faltering breath
The Master in infinite mercy
Offers the boon of Death.
Amen.
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